I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
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I can also cook 😂
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything