“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
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Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
happy valentine’s day to me
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Banana is the quietest snack
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
couldn’t resist
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.