Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
You Might Also Like
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Oh, I bet you would be
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
No laws when master is gone
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.