Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
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I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
eating my hot dog hamburger style
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.