They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
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Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.