Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
You Might Also Like
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
O Wise One….
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
We found love in a hopeless place.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”