Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
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I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
don’t be scared
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why