Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
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It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.