I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
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*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
crying
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.