CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
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Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”