Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
You Might Also Like
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.