2022: I can fix it
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I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Van Gone
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
The photographer’s assistant
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*