If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
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*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.