*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
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Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB