anyone else like Italian cereal
You Might Also Like
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.