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me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
#growingpains
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep