I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
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That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
mentally somewhere in italy
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog