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So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.