[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
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Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.