*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
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Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table