The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
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Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
pizza
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.