My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
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Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?