The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
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That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me