Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
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Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?