Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
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Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Sorry not sorry.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Yoga Matt
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?