COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
You Might Also Like
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.