– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
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I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we