a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
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Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.