Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
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[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
this is the best day of my life
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
You can’t outrun your problems…
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*