Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
You Might Also Like
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on