i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
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Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Finally!
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?