Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
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In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool