A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
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HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
My work here is done
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
that colleague who touches your screen
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it