Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
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[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.