If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
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[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
is this how new cars are made??
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!