Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
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Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
That’s what I call a flat tire
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual