Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
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my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
“No way.” -Jose
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton