[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
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landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
The prophecy is fulfilled
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.