My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
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At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers