If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
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Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Before & after 😅
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
#catsoftwitter
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now