My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
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Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.