when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
You Might Also Like
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away