If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
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Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
HELP 😭
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.