I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
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The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
some things should go without saying
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah