A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
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Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*