ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
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[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future