I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
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My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.