Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
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when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.