due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
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[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?