putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
You Might Also Like
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
bias laundering edition